New Business Cards
Tomorrow morning, I will awake early, long before daybreak, and drive down to Golden, Colorado for the Women Writing the West annual conference. Even though I’ve been a member of this wonderful organization for years, this is only the second time I’ve attended one of their conferences. The first one was in Denver 20 years ago, and this one is the 20th anniversary of their inception.
I have to admit I’m scared.
I’ve attended many writing conferences through the years, loved and learned from them all, but this will be the first one I’ve participated in as a published author. Before becoming one, I always thought attending a conference published would be the most fun, the most rewarding, the easiest way to attend. When people ask me what I write, I now have a clear answer for them. I can point to my book!
But now I’m not so sure it will be all that easy.
My mind is racing with such thoughts as I don’t have the right clothes to wear, I should have made time for a haircut and to get my nails done. The one friend I thought would be at the conference had to cancel at the last minute due to the sudden illness of her husband. I worry … no one will talk to me. No one will like me. Oh, WHY did I sign up for this silly conference anyway?
It’s not that I’m now suddenly famous, or that anyone will recognize me when I arrive, or realize, at least not until the book signing on Saturday night, that I’m published. I clearly understand that no one is attending to meet me or notice my nails or my clothes. There will be plenty of famous writers, not to mention editors and agents, who will be the real stars of the conference, the people everyone will be clamoring to meet.
Still… I’m scared and trying to figure out why.
I’ve had an off-again, on-again, love-hate relationship with writing all my life. And nothing changed when I published the memoir. In fact, if anything, writing now feels harder for me. It’s been a month since I’ve written a blog post, and I swing back and forth between beginning a new memoir or a novel this time around or even a series of short stories. I can’t seem to land on any one decision so I mostly write nothing.
Almost daily I struggle with the question: do I just give it all up and ease into the retirement that is culturally sanctioned for those who have reached 65? After all, I have my Medicare card and my social security check arriving each month to prove I’m allowed, that I’ve earned it. Or do I continue to struggle with putting words onto a blank computer screen day after day, knowing in the greater scheme of things it really doesn’t much matter?
But I can’t seem to give it up once and for all.
Perhaps I am so afraid to attend this particular conference because it feels like I am, finally, making a decision. A decision to continue on. To take my writing life seriously. To consider myself now–a professional.
Obviously this writing thing still matters to me. Otherwise, I’d pat myself on the back for reaching my big writing goal, curl up in a comfortable chair and be satisfied with reading books instead of attempting to write one.
I tend to notice and be led by synchronicity and two occurred in the last couple of days.
First, only last Saturday, I realized I was attending a writer’s conference without business cards. I quickly designed and ordered some through Moo on Saturday. I doubted they would arrive in time for the conference, but they did and they’re perfect and I can’t wait to hand them out.
Second, a blog post by Sarah Selecky on fear and resistance popped up in my in box. She could have been writing about me. She definitely was writing for me.
Because suddenly I realized my thoughts about the conference and my inability to make a decision on what to work on next are merely the joined-at-the-hip twins of fear and resistance.
Wherever you have resistance, you will find fear.
The task then is to figure out what you are fearing, deal with that, and watch the resistance melt away.
I have a choice.
We always have a choice. I can give into the fear, let the resistance keep me home and stop me from moving forward with my writing. Or I can stick my business cards into my pocketbook, dress in the most business-like clothes I own (which frankly aren’t very business-like at all), and head down to Golden. I can bring my books and spread them out on the table in front of me at the book signing. I can smile, even if only a few come to my table.
And when I return home I can choose one project: novel, memoir or a collection of short stories, and begin again.
I can face my fear, tell Resistance to take a hike, and begin again.
Because, whether or not it matters to anyone else, it matters to me.
Next week, I’ll let you know about the conference experience and share some of the nuggets I know I’ll pick up while there. Until then, I’m sending love to you. I wouldn’t be doing any of this, I know, without your support.
And, if you’d like … in the comments … I’d love to hear what you are resisting these days. No matter what it is, I’m willing to bet, you’re not alone.
Joannah Merriman says
October 16, 2014 at 11:53 amWell, a perfect post for me, Mary. As you know, I’m at Point Reyes alone this week, to WRITE, and have I done so . . . ? Not much. And when I did write for my Camino project, what did I write about? Fear and resistance. Well, at least resistance, because I didn’t need to write about fear. I know that pair of conjoined twins.
I’ll suggest that you don’t need your most business-like clothing. Something that says you are YOU is all it takes. And that smiling face of yours is the best dressed item you can take with you to Golden. Have an enriching, fun time, and I’ll look forward to your post next week.
Right now . . . I’ll shut off my wi-fi and open up Scrivener and get busy with my flying fingers. Thanks for helping jump-start me!
Mary Montanye says
October 16, 2014 at 4:48 pmOh, Joannah, I am SO with you as you write despite your fears. You have something to say and you are a beautiful writer. Perhaps it will help if you write just for yourself or for only one other trusted person at first. Getting it down, knowing it can always be edited, is the first step. You go, Friend. You’ve got this!
Bobbi Benson says
October 16, 2014 at 12:22 pmThat pesky thing called fear … at some point you would think that it would just go away. But I find the more I push the envelope with my writing, my business, my life – some fear will pop up. And now I sort of look forward to it because that means I’m moving forward, exploring new territory and conquering another block that holds me back. As I stand on the edge of something new with my superwomen cape flapping in the wind, I say, “Come along fear … I’m in control here and together we’ll do something amazing!” Aho.
Mary Montanye says
October 16, 2014 at 4:50 pmGreat reframe, Bobbi. I love your statement to fear! Yes, fear has something to show us and to teach us. Thanks for reminding me! 🙂
Diana says
October 16, 2014 at 12:32 pmMary, I believe that you will start writing again, soon.
You have made many big decisions and changes this year. Those things will no longer be on your mind or in your heart…..yes, there are other things to deal with, but you have less now.
Try and look forward. Forward to your beautiful life with George. Think of all of the wonderful things you have done in your life, like your son, like George, like accomplish your memoir….that is only a small few.
Take some deep breaths, close your eyes and feel the love swirling around your body…
You are a beautiful woman, a woman with so much left to do. Take a step, then take another…I believe in you.
Diana
Mary Montanye says
October 16, 2014 at 4:52 pmThanks for your constant support through the years, Diana. I would not be here without you. Remember that first day at my house? We were both so new and so scared. We’ve come a long way, haven’t we? I love you!
Kristin Noelle says
October 16, 2014 at 12:51 pmSending you love right back, and saying YES to us not being alone. I relate so much to what you’ve written here, and am cheering you on in your moves to not have fear be in your driver’s seat. Thank you for your honest words that help us all feel that much less crazy and alone.
Mary Montanye says
October 16, 2014 at 4:54 pmThank you, Kristin. I’ve learned so much from you about trust and I’m so grateful. You’ve helped me feel less crazy and alone, so I’m happy to return the favor. 🙂
Jill Winski says
October 16, 2014 at 4:44 pmMary, thanks so much for giving voice to these fears that are so universal so eloquently! Beautiful post. I so agree that the fear and resistance do not go away when we accomplish a dream — in fact they often get louder! It’s good to normalize this for ourselves. I’ll be thinking of you and sending comfort and good vibes for the conference! 🙂
Mary Montanye says
October 16, 2014 at 4:56 pmThank you, Jill. So glad you and I are on this road together. What a gift you are! And your words and support are SO important to me.
Carol Hess says
October 16, 2014 at 7:27 pmI’m so glad you’re acknowledging The Twins and going to the writers conference anyway. We want and need to hear your message, Mary! I’ll be very excited to discover what your next writing project is going to be.
I can identify with your resistance to writing, especially right now. I’m in the process of reinventing my business, and the main task on my long To Do list is WRITE. Write the website copy. Write the blog posts. Write the vision for the business. Write the mission statement. Write the launch materials. And what am I doing? Everything but WRITE.
Good old Fear and Resistance. They don’t show up for me in my writing unless the stakes are high. They’re a sure sign I’m stepping out of my comfort zone, taking a risk, and doing something that’s important to me. So I think I will welcome my old friends with open arms, reread Steven Pressfield’s “The Art of War,” and do what I really, in my heart of hearts, want to do — WRITE.
Hope you have a wonderful writers conference, Mary. Can’t wait to hear about it. And in the meantime, thank you for a beautifully timed post.
Trish says
October 18, 2014 at 7:25 amI’d really like to retire these twins. I know they think they are trying to help and protect me, but really all they do is slow me down and make my projects more difficult and time consuming.
Mary, I have never, ever seen you look anything but beautiful and well dressed. A power suit would require high heels and pointed toe shoes. Now that could give one something to think about if they hadn’t worn them in years!
Vicky White says
October 20, 2014 at 9:52 amMary – I have a quote for you:
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth – Pema Chodron
And I find it fascinating that as you remove distractions from the writing that keeps calling to you, fear pops up. I’m with Pema!! And Bobbi! Feels to me that you’re getting close to the truth of where you want to go next with your writing. And creating that space for writing or whatever it is we’re called to do is downright scary!
For me what pops up first is: what if there is nothing there?
You are doing it!
So much easier to distract ourselves with social media or eating or shopping or filling our lives with what is really not that important.
You go girl! I have no doubt you have lots more to say – and luckily there are no rules about how you do that or when!
Can’t wait to see what you’re clearing the way for! xoxo